Hey! Them fellers at Infocom ain't dummies, ya know. No, siree,
Bob! They were right up there at the head of the line when the
"smahts" got doled out. (That, I'm told, is how it's properly
pronounced in New England where, for totally obscure reasons, Infocom
fellers are said to live.) Heck, they know all sorts of important
stuff, like, well, girls use the ladies' loo and boys use the gents'.
They also know that both boys and girls play their games, and in this
one (hereafter to be referred to as LGOP) it's important to get the
sexes straightened out right quick.
That's because LGOP is a sci-fi sex comedy adventure. This means
there's a fair amount of ravishing going on, at least there is if you
play it in either the "Lewd" or the "Suggestive" mode. (Not sure about
"Tame" mode; never tried it.) Anyway, if you want the full impact as
you play, it's important to determine which you are: ravisher or
ravishee. ('Course, if you're kinky, you can be both. But you'll have
to play the game twice, once as a man, once as a woman, to do that.)
All of which gets us to the start of the game. You find yourself
in Upper Sandusky, Ohio, in Joe's Bar, to be precise. You've quaffed a
fair amount of no-name beer (at five cents a glass, who cares about
names?), and you feel an urge. You trace the urge to the region of
You are told that the ladies' facility is northeast and the
gents' is northwest. Okay, go in the direction of whichever one you
normally use. Yes, I said NORMALLY!
Clever, huh? This is how those subtle smahties at Infocom get you
to determine what sex you will be in LGOP. In any case, you will find
either bathroom to be filthy and fly-specked. Moreover, each contains
a stool. Get the stool if you think it will come in handy (and no
cracks about which stool, either! It's the three-legged one). Under
certain circumstances, the stool may prove useful, but it isn't vital.
Also, while you're in there, you might want to follow
instructions and use the Scratch 'n' Sniff card which comes with the
game. (Honest, the scents on the card really do smell pretty close to
what they're supposed to. Well, some of them do, anyway.) On the other
hand, if card-sniffing isn't your bag, simply type, "Smell the odor,"
hit RETURN and each time you'll be told what you're supposed to be
smelling. In the case of the bathroom, it's an old pizza slice,
dubiously discarded in the corner. Finally, before leaving the
bathroom, use it. I mean the bathroom, silly, not the pizza slice! And
no prurient entries, please. Just type, "Use the bathroom." After you
have done so, exit back into the bar and order a drink.
Usually, the bartender will tell you you've had enough. If he
does,try ordering again. You won't get another one, of course, but
Infocom has to have a little delay in the game before you get zapped
by tentacled aliens (?) from your cozy bar into a cell. That's right,
a cell. You are suddenly, and with no logic whatsoever, a prisoner of
the dreaded LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS, whose dastardly plan it is to
invade and take over Earth for their own sinister purposes. This bodes
ill, I fear for God, country, the old ball game, mom's apple pie, and
all those other values we hold so dear.
Oh, at this point I should interject that you start LGOP in what
is called "Suggestive Mode." In movie lingo, this roughly corresponds
to "PG." At any point in the game, including the beginning, you can
change modes by typing in either "Tame" (ho hum), which gets a "G," or
"Lewd," which is "R." This, of course, permits you to play the game
all the way through in any of three modes, not to mention as a male
and/or a female. If this is confusing, well, don't fret on it. One
other thing, you have to be eighteen or over to play in "Lewd" mode.
No cheating! (Remember those tentacled aliens?)
Okay, you're in your cell and you find some things to take: a
flashlight, a painting of a pussy cat and a blanket. Take all. Also,
someone thrusts a tray containing a hunk of brown food into your cell.
Get the food (it's chocolate candy) but forget the tray.
Evidently, one of those aliens was asleep at the tentacle because
he/she/it forgot to lock your cell door. Open the door and go south.
Across the hallway, you find another cell door. You also see a
sign at the head of some stairs which go up and down. The sign says,
"Observation Room." Don't go up yet. Instead, open the other cell
door. (Some jail!) Inside the other cell you find (a) a man named
Trent, if you're playing the game as a male; (b) a girl named Tiffany,
if you're playing as a female. Trent or Tiffany will be your faithful,
albeit not too bright, companion from now on.
On the floor of this cell you spy a crumpled piece of paper. Get
it and read it. It turns out there's a seemingly meaningless matrix of
letters on the paper. The operative word here, folks, is MATRIX. If
you scan the letters very carefully you will make out words, for the
matrix is one of those "scramble-grams." Some of the words run
backward from left-to-right, others are forward, right-to-left. Some
run vertically, others diagonally and several intersect. In any case,
encircle the words as you find them. You should wind up with eight
circled items: blender, rubber hose, phonebook, angle, cotton balls,
photo, mouse and headlight.
For the present, you are not told the significance of these
objects. Eventually (rather soon, as a matter of fact), you will learn
what they're for. However, as with many Infocom puzzles, all is not as
obvious as it seems with this matrix. If you are paying very, very
close attention, you will discover that its real significance is with
the letters you DON'T circle. If you put these together, you will read
the phrase, "Hissing frightens flytraps." You are encouraged to stash
this information in your memory banks. It comes in handy later on.
Okay, leave the cell and go upstairs to the Observatory Room.
(Note: there's a basement downstairs, and one flight up from the
Observatory is the Roof of the Observatory. The basement isn't
important; the roof is.) Once you're upstairs, go north into the tiny
closet where it's too dark to see anything. Turn on your flashlight.
Now you can see, and you notice a black circle on the floor and a
wicker basket up on a shelf; but the basket is too high to reach.
Here, you can either drop your stool (if you took it) and stand
on it, or you can stand on the shoulders of your newly acquired
companion. Either way, take the basket. It's a good idea to put your
possessions into the basket, too, since this will permit you to carry
more stuff, at least until you find a roomier receptacle. No? You
don't want to do that? Well, at least put the blanket in the basket.
You'll be sorry if you don't put your other stuff in, too. When you
get the dropsies, don't come crawling to me for sympathy. Finally,
stand on the circle.
Whoosh! You're zapped away to the Jungle. Slithering up to you
through the excessive heat and humidity is a gigantic Venus Flytrap.
It looks (and is) hungry!
I've got some explaining to do so I'll pause here. First, I
should tell you that the sequence of events in LGOP does not
necessarily have to follow my walkthru scenario. For instance, if you
had gone upstairs one more flight to the Roof of the Observatory, you
would have seen another black circle. If you had stood on this one
instead of the circle in the closet, you would have been teleported to
the Martian Desert instead of the Jungle.
The sequence isn't especially important. What matters is that
there are black circles (teleporters) located at key locations
throughout the game. You should make a note of where each circle is
situated and where each one takes you. Otherwise, you will quickly get
lost and doubtless die and be forgotten, never to taste mom's apple
pie again. One other thing: whenever you stand on a black circle, your
faithful companion will emerge right behind you when you reach your
destination. Well, most of the time he/she will.
Back to the action. There's this flytrap, see? Well, we know what
to do, don't we? Hiss at the flytrap. (Oh, and it might be a good idea
to turn off your flashlight, too!)
Your hissing promptly causes the flytrap to cooperatively expire.
(He mistakes the hiss for a spray can of weed killer.) With the
flytrap out of the way, you can now proceed west to the Spawning
Ground for Venusian slime beasts. Only one spot is free of slime and
it contains a black circle. Next to the circle is a jar of ointment.
Get the jar, but do not stand on the circle. Examine the jar. It turns
out to contain untangling cream, whatever that is.
At this point, Trent/Tiffany will toss you a matchbook. You
notice it is empty, but there are notations scrawled all over the
cover. Your companion tells you this is a list of things he needs to
whip up a Super-Duper Anti-LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS Attack Machine!
As it turns out, the list is a duplication of the objects you so
laboriously decoded from that meaningless matrix you found back in
your cell. Anyway, now you know what you must obtain in order to win
the game. You also note that, so far, you're batting zero. On with the
Having read the matchbook cover, go east from the Spawning Ground
back into the Jungle. Go east again. At this point, a mighty tree
rises before you! Suddenly, the tree dies and is consumed by Venusian
hypertermites, leaving a gigantic hole in the ground.
What to do about the hole? Well, you can go down into it if you
wish. But that's pretty boring. Besides, you won't be able to get out
again unless you have your stool. (That's really the only use I found
for the thing, by the way.) On the other hand, Infocom doesn't just
allow things like unexplained tree-dyings to occur, do they? I never
tried this, but I gather the purpose of the hole is to permit another
solution to the flytrap puzzle. I suspect this is included in case you
didn't/couldn't decipher the meaningless matrix of letters. (Those
Infocom guys know that not everyone is as smaht as they are!)
Anyway, one of the places you will teleport to at some point in
the game is Cleveland. There, you will find a trellis and a sack. If
you are following a sequence of events which gets you to Cleveland
before you get to the Jungle and the Venus Flytrap, here's what you
can do. Presumably, you will be astute enough to take the sack and the
trellis when you find them. The sack is full of leaves (69,105 to be
exact). Now, when you get to the Jungle put the trellis over the hole
left by the tree, and dump the leaves on the trellis. The flytrap will
sidle up to you across the trellis and fall into the hole. End of
Since you have just hissed the flytrap into oblivion, you may
completely disregard the foregoing, ignore the hole and proceed east
yet again. This takes you to a Clearing. In the Clearing is a can of
black stain. Get the can and go northeast.
You come to the front door of a plasticoid house. It is closed
and locked. What's more, you don't have a key. Go east to the Rocky
Clifftop. There isn't much here except, oh, a black circle and a neat
view. Off to the northwest you can see a Vizicomm Booth. Go northwest.
(The black circle can keep.)
Enter the Vizicomm Booth, which is out of order. Turn or pull the
coin return knob and you'll here a clank. Open the return box, and a
coin drops to the ground. Get the coin and examine it. The coin reads
"Ten Marsmids." Fine. Now go back to the Rocky Clifftop (just type
From the clifftop, go north. You find yourself at the back door
of the plasticoid house. And you are NOT alone!
An extraordinary number of door-to-door salesmen are camped out
here. One of them approaches you and offers to barter one of his
machines for something of equal value you might be carrying. Offer the
flashlight to the salesman. In exchange, you receive what is described
as a TEE-Remover Machine.
Before the salesman can explain, he turns on your flashlight and
a giant Venusian Megamoth swoops down and carries him off. The other
salesmen scatter to the four winds. Hm -- a Tee-Remover?
Open the machine. Put the jar (of untangling cream) into the
machine. Close the door and turn on the machine. The machine whirs and
grinds. When it stops, open the door and get the jar. It now contains
unAngling cream. (Oh, brother!) Now knock on the back door.
You are welcomed by a Mad Scientist (mit a Cherman accent, uff
courze). He welcomes you because you look like a grand candidate for
his next mad experiment! Go downstairs.
Oops! You're in the Mad Scientist's laboratory. It contains a
cage. The cage contains two gorillas. The cage also contains a rubber
hose. Quick! Throw the candy (the hunk of brown food, remember?) into
the cage. Just in time! The mad scientist straps you and Trent/Tiffany
down to a couple of slabs. Then he throws an ominous looking switch.
Suddenly, you find yourself inside the cage. You also find
yourself inside a gorilla skin! Odd, you can also see your own body
still strapped to the first slab. Gee! The female/male gorilla in here
with you looks better and better all the time. Kiss the gorilla.
This seems to satisfy the Mad Scientist that his experiment is
working chust fein, zo he bounds up the stairs, leaving you locked in
the cage with the gorilla. Your companion, who has been transported to
the "body" of a Venus Flytrap, is of no help. He remains strapped to
the second slab.
Let's see, wasn't there a rubber hose on that list? Yep. Get the
hose. Now eat the candy. You feel a sugar rush. (For those of you not
quite so smaht as those Infocom fellers, a sugar rush means you feel
super strong.) Good. Open the cage. Wow! You really are super strong!
You part the bars easily and can exit the cage. Do so.
Drop the hose outside the cage. Then, go to the second slab and
unstrap Trent/Tiffany (watch out for those "tentacles!"). Next,
unstrap your body. While your sugar rush is ebbing, pull the switch.
Good! You're back in your own body again. Get off the slab and
retrieve the rubber hose and put it in your basket.
If you were paying attention when you entered the laboratory
(it's always a good idea to read the descriptions, no?), you noticed
there was a black circle at the foot of the stairs. This might be a
good time to stand on it.
Zap! You're back inside the Vizicomm Booth. Exit the booth and
you're back on the clifftop. Now you can stand on the black circle you
saw the first time you came here. Doing so takes you to the Royal
Docks. Moored to the end of this dock is a royal barge. To the south
is a ruined castle. Go south.
You are in the throne room of King Mitre. It seems that we've
been wrong all along about the legend of King Midas; he, who we always
thought could turn things into gold by his mere touch. It seems his
real name was King Mitre, and, in fact, everything he touched turned
into forty-five degree angles. Everything, including his own daughter.
You notice one angle in particular -- prominent because of its long
golden tresses and flowing white gown. Unlimber your handy-dandy jar
of unAngling cream.
Rub the unAngling cream on the daughter. Slowly, the angle turns
into King Mitre's beautiful daughter, Princess Theta. Mitre is so
happy to see her again that he rewards you with a truly useful gift, a
perfect eighty-two degree angle. (He explains he only brushed against
it.) Take the angle. Hey! Your batting average is going up! You now
have two objects out of eight. Put the angle in the basket with the
By the way, at this point your inventory may be a bit top-heavy.
I mean, what good is a jar of unAngling cream, now that it's empty?
And who needs a TEE-Remover Machine after it's done its work? That
stool isn't much good, either. Unless you're terribly possessive about
such things, go ahead, drop them, along with the matchbook, the scrap
of paper and any other flotsam you still have. On the other hand, no
sense being a litterbug. Why not pick a central spot where you can
drop them unobtrusively? (I chose the basement below my cell.) Nothing
like being tidy, eh? And you never know when something might come in
handy. On the other hand, if you're a slob, there's no penalty in the
game for dropping things wherever you please, once you've used them.
Just make sure not to drop anything prematurely.
After you've got your angle tucked away, leave good King Mitre.
As you depart, you realize the dummy has inadvertently touched the
princess again, but you can't do anything about that. It's time to
visit the Martian desert. Go south.
You've come to a Ruin, one of many you'll encounter. Go south
again. You're still in the desert. Go east to Another Ruin. Sitting on
a rock is a truly repulsive frog. I mean, this one is the repulsive
frog of all repulsives in the frog kingdom. It is also wearing a
little gold crown. Go ahead, kiss the frog.
Yuck! The frog is so ugly you just cannot bring yourself to kiss
it. Yet, instinctively you realize that somehow, some way you've just
got to screw up your courage, pucker up and plant one on its repulsive
kisser. For now, though, go west, then, north to Yet Another Ruin.
This one is unimpressive except for the fact that it does seem to
contain a black circle. No, don't stand on it (unless you have a
hankering to visit the basement below your cell). Retrace your steps
by going south to the frog, then, east to the Dessert.
Very sharp-eyed gamesters will have noted the word "dessert"
above. "Ha!" they will proclaim, "I knew the Sysop editors around here
didn't know how to spell!" Wrongo, smahties. The word IS Dessert. In
fact, you're looking at a fifty foot Martian Cream Pie. It is a
mirage, of course. So are the trails which appear to lead to the
northwest and southwest from here. (You were advised that all is not
always as it seems in an Infocom production. Those trails are not
mirages after all.) Go southeast.
You've come to an Oasis. There is a little bunny rabbit
hippity-hopping around the premises. Get him. (What you do with him, I
confess, I haven't the foggiest. But I got him anyway, so you might as
well, too. Maybe he makes good rabbit stew.) On the other hand, you
also see a black circle here, and I DO know what to do about that.
That's odd. The black circle mysteriously turns white! Get out your
can and pour the black stain on the circle. That's better. Now it's
black again. Stand on the circle.
Whoosh! You're in Cleveland. (Remember, Cleveland?) Go south.
Well, now, here's a lawn that somebody cares about. Actually, it's a
muddy patch of crabgrass, but there's a rake and a sack full of
leaves. Forget everything except the sack. Take it and dump out the
leaves. Now that the sack is empty, you've got a much better
receptacle than your wicker basket. Put all your goodies except the
blanket in the sack. Leave the blanket in the basket. It looks cute in
there. Now go north, then, northeast.
You're standing inside a Teensy-Weensy House. Go upstairs and You
find yourself in a Bedroom containing an open window, an unmade bed
and a sheet lying half on the floor. Get the sheet.
Tear the sheet into strips and tie the strips together (which
forms a rope), then tie the rope to the bed. Throw the loose end of
the rope out the window. Your faithful friend, Trent/Tiffany, will now
shinny down the sheet. (If you try, you soon learn you're too heavy
and fall to your untimely demise. This is not terribly important
except that it ends the game.) Once on the street, your pal will just
have time to unscrew a handy headlight before being unceremoniously
struck by a truck and, evidently, killed.
Before you can burst into tears over your loss, your companion
reappears in a cloud of falling plaster as the ceiling above you
collapses! He offers an explanation of his startling reincarnation,
but I won't bore you with it here. After all, I presume you can read
it for yourself if you're playing the game. Anyway, take the headlight
he/she is carrying and put it in the sack. That's three out of eight!
Time to leave picturesque Cleveland, so go downstairs and go east
into the garden behind the Wee House. There's a trellis against the
house and a fresh piece of sod. Lifting the sod reveals another black
circle! (If you need to be told about the trellis, you're not paying
attention.) Stand on the circle. You're teleported to the basement
below your cell. You see, you could have come here from the black
circle in that ruin I told you about. But if you did that you might
have missed Cleveland, and...oh, forget it.
Right about here is where I dropped all my superfluous, used-up
junk. You see, I didn't have a walkthru like you've got, and I didn't
know whether I might not need my superfluous, used-up junk again. For
some reason which only a tentacled alien could divine, the basement
seemed like a logical spot. Of course, being tidy never hurt anyone,
but I think I've covered this ground already.
Go upstairs. Go 'way upstairs, all the way to the Roof of the
Observatory, upstairs! This time, stand on the black circle there. You
will be back in the ruin just south of King Mitre's castle. Go north.
Mitre will still be sitting on his throne, surrounded by forty-five
degree angles, looking dejected. One of them has long golden hair and
a flowing white gown (sigh). If only old Mitre could keep his paws to
himself! Well, leave him to his ruminations and go north to the Royal
Docks and board the barge.
You see some simple controls. Examine the controls. One is a huge
orange button, which reads "Magnetomoor On." The other is a huge
purple button. It reads, "Go With the Flow." Pushing the orange button
causes the words to read "Magnetomoor Off." It also causes the barge
to drift away from the dock into the channel. Pushing the purple
button causes the words to read "Full Speed Ahead."
As soon as you have pushed orange, push purple, wait one turn,
and push orange again. (You can pretty much forget about purple from
now on.) Anyway, by pushing orange you have reactivated the
Magnetomoor. (Magnet-O-Moor, get it?) This is your dock/undock device.
Since all the docks in the canal contain barge magnets, all you need
do to moor at one is push the orange button in a timely fashion. To
unmoor, push it again.
All right, the first dock you'll clank against is Baby Dock.
Disembarge and go north. You find yourself among the Dunes, and there
is a strange alien warrior lying dead here. Next to the alien is a
chapstick. Get it. Partially buried in the sand nearby is a strangely
coded message. Get that, too.
If you carefully read your 3-D comic book which comes with LGOP,
you will recall a bit in there about a transposition code. You say you
forgot the code? Well, go back and reread it. In the meantime, I'll
translate the strangely coded message. It says, "Your mission is to
contact wife number nnn (the number is inserted randomly) of the
sultan/sultaness and get the secret map. Identify yourself to her by
asking her to kiss your kneecaps."
Now, wasn't that easy? Leave the alien in the dunes and go back
to your barge. Board the barge and go through the orange button
The second and extremely opulent dock you come to is THIS is My
Kind of Dock! When you reach it, exit the barge and go east. You will
be in the Main Hall of the Palace. Go south to the Laundry Room and
get the clothespin. Now go back north into the Main Hall and east into
the Oriental Garden. Here, you see a well containing handholds
downward. Climb down.
At the bottom of the well is a black circle. You land upon it and
are immediately transported back to the barge. This is a good circle
to know about. It teleports you to wherever you've parked your barge,
and this knowledge will come in mighty handy later in the game. For
now, though, re-exit the barge and go back into the palace. From the
main hall, go northeast.
Now, if you're playing this game as a male you will be in the
sultan's palace. If you're a lady-person, your host-person will be a
sultaness. In either case, you find yourself in the Audience Chamber
confronting one or the other, as the case may be. Whomever it is,
sultan or sultaness, will confront you with a riddle. Your faithful
companion will burst out with a dumb answer and wind up being tossed
to the tigers by the palace eunuchs. Alas! You were beginning to be
fond of him/her, but on with the game. Alas, again! You're next if you
don't get it right.
The answer to the riddle is, "Riddle." So type SAY "RIDDLE." Oh,
goody! The sultan/ess begrudgingly rewards you with an hour of
rapturous bliss with one of his/her 8,379 wives/husbands. Hie thee
west into the harem. Here you are confronted by a harem guard who asks
you to make a selection, any number from 1 to 8,379. Naturally, you
pick the number you gleaned from the coded message. (Remember, the
message was written backward, which means the number was backward,
Wait a bit and soon your choice will beckon you to her/his
obscenely luxurious bed chamber. Ahem afterward, type TELL
WIFE/HUSBAND, "KISS MY KNEECAPS." Your partner will present you with a
secret map of the catacombs. (It comes in your game package, by the
way, but you'll probably still need my directions to get through the
maze. Try it without them, you'll see.) She/he also pulls aside the
covers and indicates a secret passage down. You are told it's the only
way out of the harem. Take the torch he/she gives you and go down.
You are now in the catacombs. Well, what do you know. Here's your
faithful companion Trent/Tiffany with another outlandish explanation
of his/her reappearance. You listen and then decide to push on.
For my money, your visit to the catacombs is the toughest part of
the game. I have to admit I had help here. (Oh, all right, I had help
in a couple of other places, too. Golly! I never can get through these
dumb games without help! Besides, I HATE games!) Anyway, you need to
follow these directions carefully, including those about "Hop, Clap
and Kweepa." (I TOLD you to read the comic book.) Okay, here we go:
NW, N, NE, E, CLAP, NE, NE, SE, HOP, CLAP, KWEEPA, D, NW, NE, CLAP, N,
S, HOP, NE, CLAP, U, KWEEPA, NW.
Get the phone book. (Four out of eight!)
CLAP, NW, HOP, S, SE, CLAP, SE, D, KWEEPA, NE, CLAP, HOP, W, N, NW,
CLAP, E, W, KWEEPA, HOP, CLAP, SW, SW.
Get the raft.
N, CLAP, NE, E, HOP, KWEEPA, CLAP, NW, NE, SE, U, CLAP, NW, HOP.
Stand on the black circle.
That's it. But be sure to follow the directions precisely. Of
course, if you prefer being devoured by a Martian crocodile or some
such, you can always find your own way.
Presuming you wind up at the black circle and stand on it, you
will be teleported directly to the Well Bottom. You've been there
before so you know the black circle at the bottom will take you right
back to your barge. After the catacombs, the royal barge is kind of
cozy. But there's no time to dally. Exit the barge and go east into
the palace again. This time, go east into the Oriental Garden and from
there, southeast to the base of a Tower. Actually, it's a Minaret with
stairs leading upward so go up.
The view here is breathtaking, almost as nice as the clifftop
back in the jungle. But there's also a black circle here. Stand on it.
Zowie! You find yourself in a cramped space which, as it turns
out, is right over your cell! You don't know that, of course, until
the floor collapses and you find yourself tumbling through the
resultant orifice into your cell. Hm, that's odd. There's a black
circle here. Never noticed that before. (That's because it wasn't
there before, Venusian Bird Brain!) As it turns out, this circle takes
you to the main hall of the palace, but we don't want to go there this
time. Exit the cell (south) and go up to the Observatory Roof. Stand
on the circle and you're back in the Martian Desert (with one "s" this
time). Go east to the frog.
Ah, yes, you remember that ugliest of ugly frogs? Now you have
both the will and the means to kiss this total grossness. Put the
clothespin on your nose. Rub the lip balm on your lips. Then, drop
everything you're carrying and cover your ears with your hands. Close
your eyes. At last! Kiss the frog!
Ooooh, another rapturous interlude with one of the opposite sex.
It turns out you're not quite (humph!) satisfied, but at least "the
one" leaves you with a small token of affection. It's a household
blender. Take it. Put it in the sack. (You have been using the sack,
haven't you?) If I reckon right, that's five out of eight. We're
Leave the ruin and go east into the Dessert once more. Yes, the
one with two "s's." Then meander southeast to the Oasis. Stand on the
circle and return to Cleveland. No particular reason for another trip
to Cleveland, really. You could have gone to the other ruin which has
a black circle and gone directly to your cell. It's just that I sorta
feel sorry for Cleveland. Nobody in his/her right mind would EVER go
there twice, would they? On the other hand, nobody in his/her right
mind would play computer games, either. Would they?
Anyway, you're back in Cleveland. Go northeast, then east (into
the garden) and get yourself zapped back to the hallway near your
cell. Go down into the basement and dump your extraneous jetsam,
especially the clothespin. You'd look pretty silly going up against
the Leather Goddesses wearing a clothespin on your nose, right?
After you've lightened your load, go up into your cell and stand
on the black circle. You find yourself back in the Main Hall of the
Palace. You might want to wipe off that gooey lip balm here. Exit the
palace to the west and enter your barge. Push orange. Wait. Push it
again. (You know the drill.)
Wait until your barge clangs up against Wattz-Upp Dock. You hear
a gurgling noise to the west (it's the Oasis). Exit the barge. When
you're standing on the dock, reach over and push orange. That's right,
push it! So what if your barge goes shooting out into the canal
without you. Trust me.
Go west to the Oasis, stand on the circle and, voila: Beautiful,
downtown CLEVELAND! (I told you I felt sorry! Now I'm sorry I did this
one more time. I mean, who needs Cleveland tha-ree times?) Oh, well,
you're not here for long. Go back to the garden, the black circle
and...the hallway near your cell. Go up to the Observatory Roof and
stand on the circle.
A pause here for a comment or two. Make that a rebuttal. Yeah, I
can hear all you wisenheimers out there knocking my route. And I
freely admit there might be better ways to go, bypassing my revisits
to dear, picturesque downtown Cleveland. Didn't I tell you there was
no particular sequence you had to follow? C'mon, didn't I? You know
it, fella. Hey, if you've got something against Cleveland, go ahead,
write your own walkthru.
I digress. You're back in the desert. You've sent your barge down
the canal, pilotless. What to do? Go west to Yet Another Ruin. Now go
northwest. You've reached Hickory & Dickory Dock. What's this? A
mouse! Show the picture (of the pussy cat) to the mouse. The poor
thing is frozen with fear. Get the mouse. (Only two more goodies to
go!) Now go south, back to Yet Another Ruin. Stand on the black
Once more, you are in the basement below your cell. Got anything
to drop? How about that torch? It went "phhttttt" long ago. Okay, let
it go. Next stop, upstairs to your cell. Stand on the black circle.
You arrive at the palace. Go east into the Oriental Garden and enter
Well, well (a little humor there, folks) you're zapped from the
Well Bottom right slap dab onto your barge. Where is it? Why, it's
right here at the Icy Dock, 'way, 'way down at the southern terminus
of the canal.
Okay, I'll bite. Why didn't you just take the scenic route aboard
the barge all the way down the canal to here? It would have been
restful and, well, scenic; not to mention saving a lot of aggravation,
wouldn't it, boobie? Well, for one thing, you would have missed those
neato trips to Cleveland. For another, you probably would have missed
the mouse, too. Oh, and one other point: If you'd taken the barge
route you would have died.
It seems there is this gigantic machine just before you get to
the Icy Dock. It's some sort of Martian (Phobotian?) energy machine,
and it used to supply power to the whole planet. It doesn't work quite
like it used to, but it works just well enough to send a lethal ion
beam out over the canal. If you try to pass through it, say, on a
barge, well, first you get a little headache. Then you get a truly
humungous headache. Finally, after the humungous headache assumes
gigantically unbearable proportions you, er, explode. And that's a
Aren't you glad we went to Cleveland? Okay, from the Icy Dock,
exit the barge and go south. Oh, no, your faithful pal Trent/Tiffany
slips on the ice and disappears into the frigid waters of the canal.
No matter, go south, like I said. You are at the edge of the polar ice
cap. Needless to say, it's cold. Go southeast.
Oh, good grief! Your passage forward is blocked by a whole
waddling phalanx of penguins! One of them is carrying a sign. Read the
sign. It suggests that you donate to the Penguin Relief Fund. Well,
there's nothing for it but to give your coin (the Marsmid tenner) to
The penguin thanks you graciously, and gives you your change, a
one Marsmid coin. (You don't know it yet, but the little guy just did
you a favor.) The penguins part to let you pass, so go southeast.
You arrive at a gypsy camp. About the only thing here is a single
forlorn tent, pitched on the north side of the camp. You are greeted
by two robots, a male and a female (they're gypsies, see). No sooner
do they invite you in for tiffin than a meteorite swoops down and
kills both robots dead. Oh, dear, from inside the tent you hear the
wail of a baby crying, "Mommy."
Enter the tent. Sure enough, it's a gypsy robot baby. Get the
baby and put it in your wicker basket. Oh, that's nice. The baby
appreciates the warmth of the blanket and instantly goes to sleep. As
for you, exit the tent and go south - to the South Pole, as a matter
What else would you expect to find at the South Pole? Righto!
It's an Igloo! But the front door is locked. Gazing through the igloo
window you are tantalized by the sight of a pair of cotton balls.
Instantly, your brain cells focus, cutting through the fog of
forgetfulness like lasers. You suddenly recall that cotton balls were
on the list. How to get them?
Let's re-read that description of the igloo one more time.
Yessir, I thought so. There's a sign over the door. It reads, "Martian
Orphanages, Inc., South Polar Branch." Well, what do you suppose might
be an appropriate action for someone carrying an orphan in a basket to
take, standing like you are on the doorstep of an orphanage? Listen,
if you can't figure this one out for yourself, you never, ever should
try another text adventure game again. After all, you might have to
get through the next one without a walkthru.
Hey, you're smahtah than I thought you were! You put the wicker
basket on the doorstep. Then, you hide behind a snowdrift and wait.
Sure enough, from inside the igloo emerges a matronly woman of immense
proportions. She takes the basket and its contents into the igloo and
closes the door. But she doesn't lock it.
Open the door, enter the igloo, get the cotton balls and scram.
Retrace your steps north to the gypsy camp, northwest to the penguin
park, then go west to the Allusion Room. As it turns out, the Allusion
Room is nothing more or less than a black circle. Stand on it. You are
whisked back to the Oasis. Well, I'll be a petrified penguin! Here's
Trent/Tiffany, emerging alive and well. The saga of how he/she
survived the fall into the icy waters is too bizzarre to bear
repeating, so we'll move right along. Stand on the circle at the
Oasis. Guess where we are now?
Cleveland!!! This is really ridiculous, so let's beat feet. Get
into that garden and onto the circle. You're back in the hallway so go
on up one more time to the Observation Room (the one with the closet
to the north). Go into the closet. It's too dark to see, but you can
still stand on the circle. I'm sure you remember it takes you to the
jungle. Leave the jungle by way of the circle on the clifftop. Go
ahead, there won't be any flytraps, salesmen or mad scientists to stop
You are teleported for the last time to the Royal Docks. (Just a
tad away is Mitre's castle, but you're not going there this time.)
Instead, put your raft (the one you've been lugging along since you
found it in the catacombs) into the water. Board the raft.
Here, you have to be alert. As you drift down the canal in your
raft, you might be lulled into your customary state of not carefully
reading the descriptions in the game. Do not permit this to occur.
What you're looking for is a passage indicating that a dock is close
enough for you to grab. Actually, you will pass several docks which
are eminently grabbable. Grab them all just to be on the safe side.
The one you want is Donald Dock.
When you've grabbed Donald Dock, exit the raft (you pull it onto
the dock for safe-keeping). Go south to the Dunetop. From here, go
east to the Canalview Mall. There appears to be just one shop in the
mall worth visiting and it lies to the south. Go south. You are in the
Exit Shop. The sign says, "Exits bought and sold." Buy an Exit.
Now, I told you the penguins did you a favor. If you had tried to
buy the Exit with your ten Marsmid coin, the shopkeeper (one of the
more lively gents in the story, by the way) would have refused you. It
seems Exits cost just one Marsmid and he wouldn't dream of
overcharging you nor can he make change. As things stand, he takes
your one Marsmid coin and, sleepily, hands you a cardboard tube. It
falls into the dust. Retrieve the tube, open it and you find your
Exit. What's an Exit, for goodness sakes? It's a sort of collapsible
black circle, that's what. Tuck it away and go north, then west, then
north, back to Donald Dock.
Re-launch your raft, board it and drift. Once again, grab any
dock you see. Eventually, you will come to Wattz-Upp Dock. Exit your
raft, leave it and head to the Oasis. Stand on the circle.
Now really, gang! I'm sorry. But there was no other way. Just
forget it's Cleveland, go to the garden and stand on the circle. I
promise. We won't be coming back. Hey, you've got seven items out of
eight. That ain't all bad. Isn't it worth just one more trip to
Cleveland? Oh. Listen, you don't have to get nasty about this.
Once back in the hallway, go up to the closet in the Observation
Room and stand on the circle. When you get to the jungle, go west.
You're in the Spawning Ground. And there's just one circle left you've
never used before. Stand on the circle.
You find yourself in the hold of a giant spaceship. There's a
sword here. Oh, Lord! A dark figure appears from the shadows of the
hold and hurls a radium-powered grenade onto the floor! Your faithful
friend Trent/Tiffany hurls him/her self on the thing, saving you and
giving up his life...quite messily if I may say, in the process. No
time to lose! Get the sword. Don't dally either. Go south.
You are in a stable where you find a magnificent white stallion.
Actually, you are aboard the flagship of the LEATHER GODDESSES OF
PHOBOS Main Attack Fleet. The stable you're in contains the Leather
Goddesses' Main Attack Fleet Cavalry Mounts, of which the stallion is
one. Mount the stallion and kick it in the flank. Go west.
The stallion dashes down a long east-west corridor in the ship,
reaching with stallion-like speed the main hatch of the ship. Here you
spy a white therma suit. Dismount, put on the suit and open the hatch.
You are in space. Floating near the battle cruiser you have just
left is a small passenger spaceship. Near the small passenger
spaceship is a sinister figure. He/she turns out to be
Thorbast/Thorbala, who is further identified as the Chief Assassin of
the LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS. 'Twas he, it appears, who hurled that
grenade. Thorbast is busily engaged, strapping a beautiful, helpless
young lady/man to the hull of the small passenger spaceship. Your
move. Attack Thorbast with your sword.
For awhile, Thorbast will parry your thrusts, and it will be nip
and tuck whether you get by this episode or not. While you're fighting
for your dear life, you notice a perfectly dreadful bug-eyed monster,
oozing its way toward Thorbast's helpless victim. The hideous monster
reaches the woman/man and starts to remove her/his garments, one at a
time. The helpless victim shrieks in terror.
Meanwhile, you keep attacking Thorbast. Eventually, in the furor
of the action, he drops his sword. Ever the gallant, you retrieve the
sword and give it back to your foe. Realizing you are truly the good
guy, Thorbast knows now that he doesn't have a chance. So he saves us
all a lot of trouble and impales himself upon his own sword. Farewell,
Thorbast. Now it's the monster's turn.
Interestingly enough, the bug-eyed horror is getting down to the
interesting part when you attack. He squawks once and flees, leaving
his victim just barely clad and grateful as all get-out that you
happened along. You release her/him and follow her/him into the cabin
of the small spaceship. From the wall of the ship she/he plucks a
photo and gives it to you. (It just happens to be a picture of Jean
Harlow/Douglas Fairbanks, the very thing you've been looking for.) You
are told that, written on the back, is the address of daddy, who will
reward you handsomely if you ever visit Ganymede. With that, the
lady/man exits to the east, closing the door with a flourish.
Naturally, you follow.
Shocked to see you, the lady/man is nonetheless receptive to your
advances. What follows is another one of those boring orgy type events
which we'd just better skip for now. After all, we still have to deal
with those Leather Goddesses before they launch their invasion fleet
and all is lost. We have all the items Trent/Tiffany wanted. But
golly! When last we saw Trent/Tiffany, he/she was splattered all over
the hold of that LGOP battleship!
Exit the small passenger spaceship and go south twice. You will
be back inside the LGOP battle cruiser. Walk (do not ride the
stallion) east down the long east-west corridor. Well, I'll be a
Thorbast's Thorax! Here's Trent/Tiffany, following along behind,
explaining how he/she got here! Keep walking until you reach the black
circle. Stand on the circle.
You are back in the Oasis. This time, though, don't use the exit
here. Instead, drop your own Exit. Stand on that. You are in a
boudoir, lying on a divan. Next to you, actually, is a figure you can
barely make out in the shadows. You can't see who it is, but the heavy
scent of leather is unmistakable. Go ahead. Touch the goddess. Oh, go
Yipes! You have violated the sanctity of the LEATHER GODDESSES OF
PHOBOS private boudoir! For this transgression, you are summarily
ejected through a trap door, down a long chute into the Plaza.
What follows is a hilarious description of the attack upon you
and Trent/Tiffany by the entire armed minions of the LEATHER GODDESSES
OF PHOBOS. It's worth the price of the game. While the attack goes on,
all that remains is for you to hand to Trent/Tiffany each of the items
you have procured at such great peril, one by one as you are
instructed. Suffice to say, Trent/Tiffany puts them to good use,
constructing the best doggoned Super-Duper Anti-LEATHER GODDESSES OF
PHOBOS Attack Machine ever crafted on this or any other planet by a
Suffice also to say that the machine works and the minions of the
LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS are routed. As for you, you're back in
Upper Sandusky, Ohio, lying dazed in the roadside near a
sleepy-looking gas station. From within emerge three uniformed
attendants, cooing prettily (or booming manfully), "Are you all
right?" The game has ended, and all you can do now is await patiently
for the sequel. Coming soon from those smahties at Infocom: Gas Pump
Girls Meet the Pulsating Inconvenience from Planet X.