Hey!  Them  fellers at Infocom ain't dummies, ya know. No, siree,
Bob!  They  were  right  up  there  at  the  head of the line when the
"smahts"  got  doled  out.  (That,  I'm  told,  is  how  it's properly
pronounced  in New England where, for totally obscure reasons, Infocom
fellers  are  said  to  live.)  Heck, they know all sorts of important
stuff,  like, well, girls use the ladies' loo and boys use the gents'.
They  also know that both boys and girls play their games, and in this
one  (hereafter  to  be referred to as LGOP) it's important to get the
sexes straightened out right quick.

     That's  because LGOP is a sci-fi sex comedy adventure. This means
there's  a fair amount of ravishing going on, at least there is if you
play it in either the "Lewd" or the "Suggestive" mode. (Not sure about
"Tame"  mode;  never tried it.) Anyway, if you want the full impact as
you  play,  it's  important  to  determine  which you are: ravisher or
ravishee.  ('Course, if you're kinky, you can be both. But you'll have
to play the game twice, once as a man, once as a woman, to do that.)

     All  of which gets us to the start of the game. You find yourself
in Upper Sandusky, Ohio, in Joe's Bar, to be precise. You've quaffed a
fair  amount  of  no-name beer (at five cents a glass, who cares about
names?),  and  you  feel  an urge. You trace the urge to the region of
your bladder.

     You  are  told  that  the  ladies'  facility is northeast and the
gents'  is  northwest.  Okay, go in the direction of whichever one you
normally use. Yes, I said NORMALLY!

     Clever, huh? This is how those subtle smahties at Infocom get you
to  determine what sex you will be in LGOP. In any case, you will find
either  bathroom to be filthy and fly-specked. Moreover, each contains
a  stool.  Get  the  stool  if you think it will come in handy (and no
cracks  about  which  stool, either! It's the three-legged one). Under
certain circumstances, the stool may prove useful, but it isn't vital.

     Also,   while   you're   in  there,  you  might  want  to  follow
instructions  and  use the Scratch 'n' Sniff card which comes with the
game.  (Honest, the scents on the card really do smell pretty close to
what they're supposed to. Well, some of them do, anyway.) On the other
hand,  if card-sniffing isn't your bag, simply type, "Smell the odor,"
hit  RETURN  and  each  time you'll be told what you're supposed to be
smelling.  In  the  case  of  the  bathroom,  it's an old pizza slice,
dubiously  discarded  in  the  corner.  Finally,  before  leaving  the
bathroom, use it. I mean the bathroom, silly, not the pizza slice! And
no  prurient entries, please. Just type, "Use the bathroom." After you
have done so, exit back into the bar and order a drink.

     Usually,  the  bartender  will  tell you you've had enough. If he
does,try  ordering  again.  You  won't get another one, of course, but
Infocom  has  to have a little delay in the game before you get zapped
by  tentacled aliens (?) from your cozy bar into a cell. That's right,
a  cell. You are suddenly, and with no logic whatsoever, a prisoner of
the dreaded LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS, whose dastardly plan it is to
invade and take over Earth for their own sinister purposes. This bodes
ill,  I fear for God, country, the old ball game, mom's apple pie, and
all those other values we hold so dear.

     Oh,  at this point I should interject that you start LGOP in what
is  called "Suggestive Mode." In movie lingo, this roughly corresponds
to  "PG."  At  any point in the game, including the beginning, you can
change modes by typing in either "Tame" (ho hum), which gets a "G," or
"Lewd,"  which  is  "R." This, of course, permits you to play the game
all  the  way  through in any of three modes, not to mention as a male
and/or  a  female.  If  this is confusing, well, don't fret on it. One
other  thing,  you have to be eighteen or over to play in "Lewd" mode.
No cheating! (Remember those tentacled aliens?)

     Okay,  you're  in  your  cell and you find some things to take: a
flashlight,  a  painting of a pussy cat and a blanket. Take all. Also,
someone thrusts a tray containing a hunk of brown food into your cell.
Get the food (it's chocolate candy) but forget the tray.

     Evidently, one of those aliens was asleep at the tentacle because
he/she/it forgot to lock your cell door. Open the door and go south.

     Across  the  hallway,  you find another cell door. You also see a
sign  at  the head of some stairs which go up and down. The sign says,
"Observation  Room."  Don't  go  up  yet. Instead, open the other cell
door.  (Some  jail!)  Inside  the  other cell you find (a) a man named
Trent, if you're playing the game as a male; (b) a girl named Tiffany,
if you're playing as a female. Trent or Tiffany will be your faithful,
albeit not too bright, companion from now on.

     On  the floor of this cell you spy a crumpled piece of paper. Get
it and read it. It turns out there's a seemingly meaningless matrix of
letters  on  the  paper. The operative word here, folks, is MATRIX. If
you  scan  the letters very carefully you will make out words, for the
matrix  is  one  of  those  "scramble-grams."  Some  of  the words run
backward  from  left-to-right, others are forward, right-to-left. Some
run  vertically, others diagonally and several intersect. In any case,
encircle  the  words  as  you find them. You should wind up with eight
circled  items:  blender, rubber hose, phonebook, angle, cotton balls,
photo, mouse and headlight.

     For  the  present,  you  are  not  told the significance of these
objects. Eventually (rather soon, as a matter of fact), you will learn
what they're for. However, as with many Infocom puzzles, all is not as
obvious  as  it  seems  with this matrix. If you are paying very, very
close  attention, you will discover that its real significance is with
the letters you DON'T circle. If you put these together, you will read
the  phrase, "Hissing frightens flytraps." You are encouraged to stash
this information in your memory banks. It comes in handy later on.

     Okay,  leave  the  cell  and go upstairs to the Observatory Room.
(Note:  there's  a  basement  downstairs,  and  one flight up from the
Observatory  is  the  Roof  of  the  Observatory.  The  basement isn't
important;  the roof is.) Once you're upstairs, go north into the tiny
closet  where  it's too dark to see anything. Turn on your flashlight.
Now  you  can  see,  and  you notice a black circle on the floor and a
wicker basket up on a shelf; but the basket is too high to reach.

     Here,  you  can either drop your stool (if you took it) and stand
on  it,  or  you  can  stand  on  the shoulders of your newly acquired
companion.  Either  way, take the basket. It's a good idea to put your
possessions  into the basket, too, since this will permit you to carry
more  stuff,  at  least  until  you find a roomier receptacle. No? You
don't  want  to do that? Well, at least put the blanket in the basket.
You'll  be  sorry  if you don't put your other stuff in, too. When you
get  the  dropsies,  don't  come crawling to me for sympathy. Finally,
stand on the circle.

     Whoosh!  You're  zapped  away to the Jungle. Slithering up to you
through  the  excessive heat and humidity is a gigantic Venus Flytrap.
It looks (and is) hungry!

     I've  got  some  explaining  to  do  so I'll pause here. First, I
should  tell  you  that  the  sequence  of  events  in  LGOP  does not
necessarily  have to follow my walkthru scenario. For instance, if you
had  gone upstairs one more flight to the Roof of the Observatory, you
would  have  seen  another  black circle. If you had stood on this one
instead of the circle in the closet, you would have been teleported to
the Martian Desert instead of the Jungle.

     The  sequence  isn't  especially  important. What matters is that
there  are  black  circles  (teleporters)  located  at  key  locations
throughout  the  game.  You should make a note of where each circle is
situated and where each one takes you. Otherwise, you will quickly get
lost  and  doubtless  die and be forgotten, never to taste mom's apple
pie again. One other thing: whenever you stand on a black circle, your
faithful  companion  will  emerge right behind you when you reach your
destination. Well, most of the time he/she will.

     Back to the action. There's this flytrap, see? Well, we know what
to do, don't we? Hiss at the flytrap. (Oh, and it might be a good idea
to turn off your flashlight, too!)

     Your hissing promptly causes the flytrap to cooperatively expire.
(He  mistakes  the  hiss  for  a  spray  can of weed killer.) With the
flytrap  out  of  the  way,  you  can now proceed west to the Spawning
Ground  for  Venusian slime beasts. Only one spot is free of slime and
it  contains  a black circle. Next to the circle is a jar of ointment.
Get the jar, but do not stand on the circle. Examine the jar. It turns
out to contain untangling cream, whatever that is.

     At  this  point,  Trent/Tiffany  will  toss  you a matchbook. You
notice  it  is  empty,  but  there are notations scrawled all over the
cover.  Your  companion tells you this is a list of things he needs to
whip up a Super-Duper Anti-LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS Attack Machine!
As  it  turns  out,  the  list  is a duplication of the objects you so
laboriously  decoded  from  that  meaningless matrix you found back in
your  cell.  Anyway, now you know what you must obtain in order to win
the game. You also note that, so far, you're batting zero. On with the
quest!

     Having read the matchbook cover, go east from the Spawning Ground
back  into  the  Jungle.  Go  east again. At this point, a mighty tree
rises  before you! Suddenly, the tree dies and is consumed by Venusian
hypertermites, leaving a gigantic hole in the ground.

     What  to  do about the hole? Well, you can go down into it if you
wish.  But that's pretty boring. Besides, you won't be able to get out
again  unless you have your stool. (That's really the only use I found
for  the  thing,  by the way.) On the other hand, Infocom doesn't just
allow  things  like unexplained tree-dyings to occur, do they? I never
tried  this, but I gather the purpose of the hole is to permit another
solution to the flytrap puzzle. I suspect this is included in case you
didn't/couldn't  decipher  the  meaningless  matrix of letters. (Those
Infocom guys know that not everyone is as smaht as they are!)

     Anyway,  one  of the places you will teleport to at some point in
the  game  is Cleveland. There, you will find a trellis and a sack. If
you  are  following  a  sequence of events which gets you to Cleveland
before  you  get  to the Jungle and the Venus Flytrap, here's what you
can do. Presumably, you will be astute enough to take the sack and the
trellis  when  you find them. The sack is full of leaves (69,105 to be
exact).  Now, when you get to the Jungle put the trellis over the hole
left by the tree, and dump the leaves on the trellis. The flytrap will
sidle  up  to  you  across  the trellis and fall into the hole. End of
problem.

     Since  you  have  just  hissed the flytrap into oblivion, you may
completely  disregard  the foregoing, ignore the hole and proceed east
yet  again.  This takes you to a Clearing. In the Clearing is a can of
black stain. Get the can and go northeast.

     You  come  to  the front door of a plasticoid house. It is closed
and  locked.  What's  more, you don't have a key. Go east to the Rocky
Clifftop.  There isn't much here except, oh, a black circle and a neat
view. Off to the northwest you can see a Vizicomm Booth. Go northwest.
(The black circle can keep.)

     Enter the Vizicomm Booth, which is out of order. Turn or pull the
coin  return  knob and you'll here a clank. Open the return box, and a
coin  drops to the ground. Get the coin and examine it. The coin reads
"Ten  Marsmids."  Fine.  Now  go back to the Rocky Clifftop (just type
"Exit").

     From  the  clifftop, go north. You find yourself at the back door
of the plasticoid house. And you are NOT alone!

     An  extraordinary  number of door-to-door salesmen are camped out
here.  One  of  them  approaches  you  and offers to barter one of his
machines for something of equal value you might be carrying. Offer the
flashlight to the salesman. In exchange, you receive what is described
as a TEE-Remover Machine.

     Before  the salesman can explain, he turns on your flashlight and
a  giant  Venusian Megamoth swoops down and carries him off. The other
salesmen scatter to the four winds. Hm -- a Tee-Remover?

     Open  the  machine.  Put  the  jar (of untangling cream) into the
machine. Close the door and turn on the machine. The machine whirs and
grinds.  When it stops, open the door and get the jar. It now contains
unAngling cream. (Oh, brother!) Now knock on the back door.

     You  are  welcomed  by a Mad Scientist (mit a Cherman accent, uff
courze).  He  welcomes you because you look like a grand candidate for
his next mad experiment! Go downstairs.

     Oops!  You're  in  the  Mad Scientist's laboratory. It contains a
cage.  The cage contains two gorillas. The cage also contains a rubber
hose.  Quick! Throw the candy (the hunk of brown food, remember?) into
the cage. Just in time! The mad scientist straps you and Trent/Tiffany
down to a couple of slabs. Then he throws an ominous looking switch.

     Suddenly,  you  find  yourself  inside  the  cage.  You also find
yourself  inside  a  gorilla skin! Odd, you can also see your own body
still strapped to the first slab. Gee! The female/male gorilla in here
with you looks better and better all the time. Kiss the gorilla.

     This  seems  to  satisfy the Mad Scientist that his experiment is
working  chust fein, zo he bounds up the stairs, leaving you locked in
the cage with the gorilla. Your companion, who has been transported to
the  "body"  of a Venus Flytrap, is of no help. He remains strapped to
the second slab.

     Let's  see, wasn't there a rubber hose on that list? Yep. Get the
hose.  Now eat the candy. You feel a sugar rush. (For those of you not
quite  so  smaht as those Infocom fellers, a sugar rush means you feel
super  strong.) Good. Open the cage. Wow! You really are super strong!
You part the bars easily and can exit the cage. Do so.

     Drop  the  hose outside the cage. Then, go to the second slab and
unstrap  Trent/Tiffany  (watch  out  for  those  "tentacles!").  Next,
unstrap  your  body. While your sugar rush is ebbing, pull the switch.
Good!  You're  back  in  your  own  body  again.  Get off the slab and
retrieve the rubber hose and put it in your basket.

     If  you  were  paying  attention  when you entered the laboratory
(it's  always  a good idea to read the descriptions, no?), you noticed
there  was  a  black circle at the foot of the stairs. This might be a
good time to stand on it.

     Zap!  You're  back  inside the Vizicomm Booth. Exit the booth and
you're back on the clifftop. Now you can stand on the black circle you
saw  the  first  time  you  came here. Doing so takes you to the Royal
Docks.  Moored  to the end of this dock is a royal barge. To the south
is a ruined castle. Go south.

     You  are  in  the  throne room of King Mitre. It seems that we've
been wrong all along about the legend of King Midas; he, who we always
thought  could  turn  things into gold by his mere touch. It seems his
real  name  was King Mitre, and, in fact, everything he touched turned
into forty-five degree angles. Everything, including his own daughter.
You  notice  one  angle in particular -- prominent because of its long
golden  tresses  and flowing white gown. Unlimber your handy-dandy jar
of unAngling cream.

     Rub  the unAngling cream on the daughter. Slowly, the angle turns
into  King  Mitre's  beautiful  daughter,  Princess Theta. Mitre is so
happy to see her again that he rewards you with a truly useful gift, a
perfect  eighty-two degree angle. (He explains he only brushed against
it.)  Take  the  angle. Hey! Your batting average is going up! You now
have  two  objects  out of eight. Put the angle in the basket with the
hose.

     By  the way, at this point your inventory may be a bit top-heavy.
I  mean,  what  good is a jar of unAngling cream, now that it's empty?
And  who  needs  a  TEE-Remover Machine after it's done its work? That
stool isn't much good, either. Unless you're terribly possessive about
such  things, go ahead, drop them, along with the matchbook, the scrap
of  paper  and any other flotsam you still have. On the other hand, no
sense  being  a  litterbug.  Why not pick a central spot where you can
drop them unobtrusively? (I chose the basement below my cell.) Nothing
like  being  tidy, eh? And you never know when something might come in
handy.  On the other hand, if you're a slob, there's no penalty in the
game  for  dropping things wherever you please, once you've used them.
Just make sure not to drop anything prematurely.

     After  you've  got your angle tucked away, leave good King Mitre.
As  you  depart,  you  realize the dummy has inadvertently touched the
princess  again,  but  you  can't do anything about that. It's time to
visit the Martian desert. Go south.

     You've  come  to  a  Ruin, one of many you'll encounter. Go south
again. You're still in the desert. Go east to Another Ruin. Sitting on
a  rock  is  a truly repulsive frog. I mean, this one is the repulsive
frog  of  all  repulsives  in  the  frog kingdom. It is also wearing a
little gold crown. Go ahead, kiss the frog.

     Yuck!  The frog is so ugly you just cannot bring yourself to kiss
it.  Yet, instinctively you realize that somehow, some way you've just
got to screw up your courage, pucker up and plant one on its repulsive
kisser.  For  now,  though,  go west, then, north to Yet Another Ruin.
This  one  is  unimpressive  except  for the fact that it does seem to
contain  a  black  circle.  No,  don't  stand on it (unless you have a
hankering  to  visit the basement below your cell). Retrace your steps
by going south to the frog, then, east to the Dessert.

     Very  sharp-eyed  gamesters  will  have  noted the word "dessert"
above. "Ha!" they will proclaim, "I knew the Sysop editors around here
didn't  know  how to spell!" Wrongo, smahties. The word IS Dessert. In
fact,  you're  looking  at  a  fifty  foot  Martian Cream Pie. It is a
mirage,  of  course.  So  are  the  trails which appear to lead to the
northwest  and  southwest from here. (You were advised that all is not
always  as  it  seems  in  an Infocom production. Those trails are not
mirages after all.) Go southeast.

     You've  come  to  an  Oasis.  There  is  a  little  bunny  rabbit
hippity-hopping around the premises. Get him. (What you do with him, I
confess, I haven't the foggiest. But I got him anyway, so you might as
well,  too.  Maybe  he makes good rabbit stew.) On the other hand, you
also  see  a  black  circle here, and I DO know what to do about that.
That's  odd.  The  black circle mysteriously turns white! Get out your
can  and  pour  the black stain on the circle. That's better. Now it's
black again. Stand on the circle.

     Whoosh!  You're  in  Cleveland.  (Remember, Cleveland?) Go south.
Well,  now,  here's a lawn that somebody cares about. Actually, it's a
muddy  patch  of  crabgrass,  but  there's  a  rake and a sack full of
leaves.  Forget  everything  except the sack. Take it and dump out the
leaves.  Now  that  the  sack  is  empty,  you've  got  a  much better
receptacle  than  your  wicker basket. Put all your goodies except the
blanket in the sack. Leave the blanket in the basket. It looks cute in
there. Now go north, then, northeast.

     You're standing inside a Teensy-Weensy House. Go upstairs and You
find  yourself  in  a Bedroom containing an open window, an unmade bed
and a sheet lying half on the floor. Get the sheet.

     Tear  the  sheet  into  strips and tie the strips together (which
forms  a  rope),  then tie the rope to the bed. Throw the loose end of
the rope out the window. Your faithful friend, Trent/Tiffany, will now
shinny  down  the  sheet. (If you try, you soon learn you're too heavy
and  fall  to  your  untimely  demise.  This is not terribly important
except  that it ends the game.) Once on the street, your pal will just
have  time  to  unscrew a handy headlight before being unceremoniously
struck by a truck and, evidently, killed.

     Before  you  can  burst into tears over your loss, your companion
reappears  in  a  cloud  of  falling  plaster as the ceiling above you
collapses!  He  offers  an explanation of his startling reincarnation,
but  I  won't bore you with it here. After all, I presume you can read
it for yourself if you're playing the game. Anyway, take the headlight
he/she is carrying and put it in the sack. That's three out of eight!

     Time to leave picturesque Cleveland, so go downstairs and go east
into  the  garden  behind the Wee House. There's a trellis against the
house  and a fresh piece of sod. Lifting the sod reveals another black
circle!  (If  you need to be told about the trellis, you're not paying
attention.)  Stand  on  the  circle. You're teleported to the basement
below  your  cell.  You  see,  you could have come here from the black
circle  in  that  ruin I told you about. But if you did that you might
have missed Cleveland, and...oh, forget it.

     Right  about  here is where I dropped all my superfluous, used-up
junk.  You see, I didn't have a walkthru like you've got, and I didn't
know  whether I might not need my superfluous, used-up junk again. For
some  reason  which  only a tentacled alien could divine, the basement
seemed  like  a logical spot. Of course, being tidy never hurt anyone,
but I think I've covered this ground already.

     Go  upstairs.  Go  'way  upstairs, all the way to the Roof of the
Observatory, upstairs! This time, stand on the black circle there. You
will  be back in the ruin just south of King Mitre's castle. Go north.
Mitre  will  still  be sitting on his throne, surrounded by forty-five
degree  angles, looking dejected. One of them has long golden hair and
a  flowing white gown (sigh). If only old Mitre could keep his paws to
himself!  Well, leave him to his ruminations and go north to the Royal
Docks and board the barge.

     You see some simple controls. Examine the controls. One is a huge
orange  button,  which  reads  "Magnetomoor  On."  The other is a huge
purple button. It reads, "Go With the Flow." Pushing the orange button
causes  the  words to read "Magnetomoor Off." It also causes the barge
to  drift  away  from  the  dock  into the channel. Pushing the purple
button causes the words to read "Full Speed Ahead."

     As  soon  as  you have pushed orange, push purple, wait one turn,
and  push  orange again. (You can pretty much forget about purple from
now   on.)   Anyway,  by  pushing  orange  you  have  reactivated  the
Magnetomoor. (Magnet-O-Moor, get it?) This is your dock/undock device.
Since  all  the docks in the canal contain barge magnets, all you need
do  to  moor  at one is push the orange button in a timely fashion. To
unmoor, push it again.

     All  right,  the  first  dock  you'll clank against is Baby Dock.
Disembarge  and go north. You find yourself among the Dunes, and there
is  a  strange  alien  warrior lying dead here. Next to the alien is a
chapstick.  Get it. Partially buried in the sand nearby is a strangely
coded message. Get that, too.

     If  you carefully read your 3-D comic book which comes with LGOP,
you will recall a bit in there about a transposition code. You say you
forgot  the  code?  Well, go back and reread it. In the meantime, I'll
translate  the  strangely  coded message. It says, "Your mission is to
contact  wife  number  nnn  (the  number  is inserted randomly) of the
sultan/sultaness  and  get the secret map. Identify yourself to her by
asking her to kiss your kneecaps."

     Now,  wasn't  that easy? Leave the alien in the dunes and go back
to  your  barge.  Board  the  barge  and  go through the orange button
ritual.

     The  second  and extremely opulent dock you come to is THIS is My
Kind  of Dock! When you reach it, exit the barge and go east. You will
be  in  the  Main Hall of the Palace. Go south to the Laundry Room and
get the clothespin. Now go back north into the Main Hall and east into
the  Oriental  Garden.  Here,  you  see  a  well  containing handholds
downward. Climb down.

     At the bottom of the well is a black circle. You land upon it and
are  immediately  transported back to the barge. This is a good circle
to  know about. It teleports you to wherever you've parked your barge,
and  this  knowledge  will come in mighty handy later in the game. For
now,  though,  re-exit the barge and go back into the palace. From the
main hall, go northeast.

     Now,  if  you're  playing  this game as a male you will be in the
sultan's  palace.  If you're a lady-person, your host-person will be a
sultaness.  In  either case, you find yourself in the Audience Chamber
confronting  one  or  the  other,  as the case may be. Whomever it is,
sultan  or  sultaness,  will confront you with a riddle. Your faithful
companion  will  burst out with a dumb answer and wind up being tossed
to  the  tigers  by the palace eunuchs. Alas! You were beginning to be
fond of him/her, but on with the game. Alas, again! You're next if you
don't get it right.

     The  answer to the riddle is, "Riddle." So type SAY "RIDDLE." Oh,
goody!  The  sultan/ess  begrudgingly  rewards  you  with  an  hour of
rapturous  bliss  with  one  of his/her 8,379 wives/husbands. Hie thee
west into the harem. Here you are confronted by a harem guard who asks
you  to  make  a selection, any number from 1 to 8,379. Naturally, you
pick  the  number  you  gleaned from the coded message. (Remember, the
message  was  written  backward,  which means the number was backward,
too.)

     Wait  a  bit  and  soon  your  choice  will beckon you to her/his
obscenely  luxurious  bed  chamber.  Ahem    afterward,  type TELL
WIFE/HUSBAND, "KISS MY KNEECAPS." Your partner will present you with a
secret  map  of  the catacombs. (It comes in your game package, by the
way,  but  you'll probably still need my directions to get through the
maze.  Try  it  without them, you'll see.) She/he also pulls aside the
covers and indicates a secret passage down. You are told it's the only
way out of the harem. Take the torch he/she gives you and go down.

     You are now in the catacombs. Well, what do you know. Here's your
faithful  companion  Trent/Tiffany with another outlandish explanation
of his/her reappearance. You listen and then decide to push on.

     For my money, your visit to the catacombs is the toughest part of
the  game. I have to admit I had help here. (Oh, all right, I had help
in a couple of other places, too. Golly! I never can get through these
dumb  games  without help! Besides, I HATE games!) Anyway, you need to
follow  these  directions  carefully, including those about "Hop, Clap
and Kweepa." (I TOLD you to read the comic book.) Okay, here we go:

 NW, N, NE, E, CLAP, NE, NE, SE, HOP, CLAP, KWEEPA, D, NW, NE, CLAP, N,
S, HOP, NE, CLAP, U, KWEEPA, NW.
 Get the phone book. (Four out of eight!)
 CLAP, NW, HOP, S, SE, CLAP, SE, D, KWEEPA, NE, CLAP, HOP, W, N, NW,
CLAP, E, W, KWEEPA, HOP, CLAP, SW, SW.
 Get the raft.
 N, CLAP, NE, E, HOP, KWEEPA, CLAP, NW, NE, SE, U, CLAP, NW, HOP.
 Stand on the black circle.

     That's  it.  But  be  sure to follow the directions precisely. Of
course,  if  you  prefer being devoured by a Martian crocodile or some
such, you can always find your own way.

     Presuming  you  wind  up at the black circle and stand on it, you
will  be  teleported  directly  to  the Well Bottom. You've been there
before  so you know the black circle at the bottom will take you right
back  to  your  barge. After the catacombs, the royal barge is kind of
cozy.  But  there's  no time to dally. Exit the barge and go east into
the palace again. This time, go east into the Oriental Garden and from
there, southeast to the base of a Tower. Actually, it's a Minaret with
stairs leading upward so go up.

     The  view  here  is  breathtaking, almost as nice as the clifftop
back in the jungle. But there's also a black circle here. Stand on it.

     Zowie!  You  find  yourself in a cramped space which, as it turns
out,  is  right  over your cell! You don't know that, of course, until
the  floor  collapses  and  you  find  yourself  tumbling  through the
resultant  orifice  into  your  cell.  Hm, that's odd. There's a black
circle  here.  Never  noticed  that  before. (That's because it wasn't
there before, Venusian Bird Brain!) As it turns out, this circle takes
you to the main hall of the palace, but we don't want to go there this
time.  Exit  the cell (south) and go up to the Observatory Roof. Stand
on the circle and you're back in the Martian Desert (with one "s" this
time). Go east to the frog.

     Ah,  yes,  you  remember that ugliest of ugly frogs? Now you have
both  the  will  and  the  means to kiss this total grossness. Put the
clothespin  on  your  nose.  Rub the lip balm on your lips. Then, drop
everything  you're carrying and cover your ears with your hands. Close
your eyes. At last! Kiss the frog!

     Ooooh,  another rapturous interlude with one of the opposite sex.
It  turns  out  you're not quite (humph!) satisfied, but at least "the
one"  leaves  you  with  a  small token of affection. It's a household
blender.  Take  it. Put it in the sack. (You have been using the sack,
haven't  you?)  If  I  reckon  right,  that's five out of eight. We're
getting there!

     Leave  the  ruin and go east into the Dessert once more. Yes, the
one  with two "s's." Then meander southeast to the Oasis. Stand on the
circle  and return to Cleveland. No particular reason for another trip
to  Cleveland, really. You could have gone to the other ruin which has
a  black circle and gone directly to your cell. It's just that I sorta
feel  sorry  for Cleveland. Nobody in his/her right mind would EVER go
there  twice,  would  they? On the other hand, nobody in his/her right
mind would play computer games, either. Would they?

     Anyway,  you're  back in Cleveland. Go northeast, then east (into
the  garden)  and  get  yourself  zapped back to the hallway near your
cell.  Go  down  into  the  basement  and dump your extraneous jetsam,
especially  the  clothespin.  You'd look pretty silly going up against
the Leather Goddesses wearing a clothespin on your nose, right?

     After  you've lightened your load, go up into your cell and stand
on  the  black  circle. You find yourself back in the Main Hall of the
Palace.  You might want to wipe off that gooey lip balm here. Exit the
palace  to  the  west and enter your barge. Push orange. Wait. Push it
again. (You know the drill.)

     Wait  until your barge clangs up against Wattz-Upp Dock. You hear
a  gurgling  noise  to the west (it's the Oasis). Exit the barge. When
you're standing on the dock, reach over and push orange. That's right,
push  it!  So  what  if  your  barge  goes shooting out into the canal
without you. Trust me.

     Go  west to the Oasis, stand on the circle and, voila: Beautiful,
downtown CLEVELAND! (I told you I felt sorry! Now I'm sorry I did this
one  more  time. I mean, who needs Cleveland tha-ree times?) Oh, well,
you're  not  here  for  long.  Go back to the garden, the black circle
and...the  hallway  near  your cell. Go up to the Observatory Roof and
stand on the circle.

     A  pause here for a comment or two. Make that a rebuttal. Yeah, I
can  hear  all  you  wisenheimers  out  there knocking my route. And I
freely  admit  there might be better ways to go, bypassing my revisits
to  dear,  picturesque downtown Cleveland. Didn't I tell you there was
no  particular  sequence  you had to follow? C'mon, didn't I? You know
it,  fella.  Hey, if you've got something against Cleveland, go ahead,
write your own walkthru.

     I digress. You're back in the desert. You've sent your barge down
the  canal, pilotless. What to do? Go west to Yet Another Ruin. Now go
northwest.  You've  reached  Hickory  &  Dickory  Dock. What's this? A
mouse!  Show  the  picture  (of  the pussy cat) to the mouse. The poor
thing  is  frozen  with fear. Get the mouse. (Only two more goodies to
go!)  Now  go  south,  back  to  Yet  Another Ruin. Stand on the black
circle.

     Once  more, you are in the basement below your cell. Got anything
to  drop? How about that torch? It went "phhttttt" long ago. Okay, let
it  go.  Next  stop, upstairs to your cell. Stand on the black circle.
You  arrive  at the palace. Go east into the Oriental Garden and enter
the well.

     Well,  well  (a little humor there, folks) you're zapped from the
Well  Bottom  right  slap  dab onto your barge. Where is it? Why, it's
right  here  at the Icy Dock, 'way, 'way down at the southern terminus
of the canal.

     Okay, I'll bite. Why didn't you just take the scenic route aboard
the  barge  all  the  way  down  the canal to here? It would have been
restful and, well, scenic; not to mention saving a lot of aggravation,
wouldn't  it, boobie? Well, for one thing, you would have missed those
neato  trips to Cleveland. For another, you probably would have missed
the  mouse,  too.  Oh,  and  one other point: If you'd taken the barge
route you would have died.

     It  seems  there  is this gigantic machine just before you get to
the  Icy  Dock. It's some sort of Martian (Phobotian?) energy machine,
and it used to supply power to the whole planet. It doesn't work quite
like  it  used  to, but it works just well enough to send a lethal ion
beam  out  over  the  canal.  If you try to pass through it, say, on a
barge,  well,  first  you  get a little headache. Then you get a truly
humungous  headache.  Finally,  after  the  humungous headache assumes
gigantically  unbearable  proportions  you,  er, explode. And that's a
fact.

     Aren't  you  glad  we went to Cleveland? Okay, from the Icy Dock,
exit  the  barge and go south. Oh, no, your faithful pal Trent/Tiffany
slips  on  the ice and disappears into the frigid waters of the canal.
No matter, go south, like I said. You are at the edge of the polar ice
cap. Needless to say, it's cold. Go southeast.

     Oh,  good  grief!  Your  passage  forward  is  blocked by a whole
waddling phalanx of penguins! One of them is carrying a sign. Read the
sign.  It  suggests  that you donate to the Penguin Relief Fund. Well,
there's  nothing  for it but to give your coin (the Marsmid tenner) to
the penguin.

     The  penguin  thanks you graciously, and gives you your change, a
one  Marsmid coin. (You don't know it yet, but the little guy just did
you a favor.) The penguins part to let you pass, so go southeast.

     You arrive at a gypsy camp. About the only thing here is a single
forlorn  tent,  pitched on the north side of the camp. You are greeted
by  two  robots, a male and a female (they're gypsies, see). No sooner
do  they  invite  you  in  for tiffin than a meteorite swoops down and
kills  both  robots  dead. Oh, dear, from inside the tent you hear the
wail of a baby crying, "Mommy."

     Enter  the  tent.  Sure  enough, it's a gypsy robot baby. Get the
baby  and  put  it  in  your  wicker basket. Oh, that's nice. The baby
appreciates  the warmth of the blanket and instantly goes to sleep. As
for  you,  exit the tent and go south - to the South Pole, as a matter
of fact.

     What  else  would  you  expect to find at the South Pole? Righto!
It's  an Igloo! But the front door is locked. Gazing through the igloo
window  you  are  tantalized  by  the sight of a pair of cotton balls.
Instantly,  your  brain  cells  focus,  cutting  through  the  fog  of
forgetfulness  like lasers. You suddenly recall that cotton balls were
on the list. How to get them?

     Let's  re-read  that  description  of  the  igloo  one more time.
Yessir, I thought so. There's a sign over the door. It reads, "Martian
Orphanages, Inc., South Polar Branch." Well, what do you suppose might
be an appropriate action for someone carrying an orphan in a basket to
take,  standing  like you are on the doorstep of an orphanage? Listen,
if  you can't figure this one out for yourself, you never, ever should
try  another  text  adventure game again. After all, you might have to
get through the next one without a walkthru.

     Hey,  you're  smahtah than I thought you were! You put the wicker
basket  on  the  doorstep. Then, you hide behind a snowdrift and wait.
Sure enough, from inside the igloo emerges a matronly woman of immense
proportions.  She takes the basket and its contents into the igloo and
closes the door. But she doesn't lock it.

     Open  the  door, enter the igloo, get the cotton balls and scram.
Retrace  your  steps north to the gypsy camp, northwest to the penguin
park, then go west to the Allusion Room. As it turns out, the Allusion
Room is nothing more or less than a black circle. Stand on it. You are
whisked  back  to the Oasis. Well, I'll be a petrified penguin! Here's
Trent/Tiffany,  emerging  alive  and  well.  The  saga  of  how he/she
survived  the  fall  into  the  icy  waters  is  too  bizzarre to bear
repeating,  so  we'll  move  right  along.  Stand on the circle at the
Oasis. Guess where we are now?

     Cleveland!!!  This  is really ridiculous, so let's beat feet. Get
into that garden and onto the circle. You're back in the hallway so go
on  up  one more time to the Observation Room (the one with the closet
to  the  north). Go into the closet. It's too dark to see, but you can
still  stand  on the circle. I'm sure you remember it takes you to the
jungle.  Leave  the  jungle  by  way of the circle on the clifftop. Go
ahead, there won't be any flytraps, salesmen or mad scientists to stop
you.

     You  are teleported for the last time to the Royal Docks. (Just a
tad  away  is  Mitre's  castle, but you're not going there this time.)
Instead,  put  your  raft (the one you've been lugging along since you
found it in the catacombs) into the water. Board the raft.

     Here,  you  have to be alert. As you drift down the canal in your
raft,  you  might be lulled into your customary state of not carefully
reading  the  descriptions  in  the game. Do not permit this to occur.
What  you're  looking for is a passage indicating that a dock is close
enough  for  you  to grab. Actually, you will pass several docks which
are  eminently  grabbable.  Grab them all just to be on the safe side.
The one you want is Donald Dock.

     When  you've grabbed Donald Dock, exit the raft (you pull it onto
the  dock  for  safe-keeping).  Go south to the Dunetop. From here, go
east  to  the Canalview Mall. There appears to be just one shop in the
mall worth visiting and it lies to the south. Go south. You are in the
Exit Shop. The sign says, "Exits bought and sold." Buy an Exit.

     Now, I told you the penguins did you a favor. If you had tried to
buy  the  Exit  with your ten Marsmid coin, the shopkeeper (one of the
more lively gents in the story, by the way) would have refused you. It
seems   Exits   cost  just  one  Marsmid  and  he  wouldn't  dream  of
overcharging  you  nor  can  he make change. As things stand, he takes
your  one  Marsmid  coin and, sleepily, hands you a cardboard tube. It
falls  into  the  dust.  Retrieve  the tube, open it and you find your
Exit.  What's  an Exit, for goodness sakes? It's a sort of collapsible
black  circle, that's what. Tuck it away and go north, then west, then
north, back to Donald Dock.

     Re-launch  your  raft,  board  it and drift. Once again, grab any
dock  you  see. Eventually, you will come to Wattz-Upp Dock. Exit your
raft, leave it and head to the Oasis. Stand on the circle.

     Now  really,  gang!  I'm  sorry. But there was no other way. Just
forget  it's  Cleveland,  go  to the garden and stand on the circle. I
promise.  We  won't be coming back. Hey, you've got seven items out of
eight.  That  ain't  all  bad.  Isn't  it  worth just one more trip to
Cleveland? Oh. Listen, you don't have to get nasty about this.

     Once  back in the hallway, go up to the closet in the Observation
Room  and  stand  on  the circle. When you get to the jungle, go west.
You're in the Spawning Ground. And there's just one circle left you've
never used before. Stand on the circle.

     You  find  yourself  in  the hold of a giant spaceship. There's a
sword  here.  Oh,  Lord! A dark figure appears from the shadows of the
hold  and hurls a radium-powered grenade onto the floor! Your faithful
friend  Trent/Tiffany  hurls him/her self on the thing, saving you and
giving  up  his  life...quite messily if I may say, in the process. No
time to lose! Get the sword. Don't dally either. Go south.

     You  are in a stable where you find a magnificent white stallion.
Actually,  you  are  aboard  the  flagship of the LEATHER GODDESSES OF
PHOBOS  Main  Attack  Fleet. The stable you're in contains the Leather
Goddesses'  Main Attack Fleet Cavalry Mounts, of which the stallion is
one. Mount the stallion and kick it in the flank. Go west.

     The  stallion  dashes down a long east-west corridor in the ship,
reaching with stallion-like speed the main hatch of the ship. Here you
spy a white therma suit. Dismount, put on the suit and open the hatch.
Go north.

     You  are in space. Floating near the battle cruiser you have just
left  is  a  small  passenger  spaceship.  Near  the  small  passenger
spaceship   is   a   sinister   figure.   He/she   turns   out  to  be
Thorbast/Thorbala,  who is further identified as the Chief Assassin of
the LEATHER GODDESSES OF PHOBOS. 'Twas he, it appears, who hurled that
grenade.  Thorbast  is busily engaged, strapping a beautiful, helpless
young  lady/man  to  the  hull  of the small passenger spaceship. Your
move. Attack Thorbast with your sword.

     For  awhile, Thorbast will parry your thrusts, and it will be nip
and tuck whether you get by this episode or not. While you're fighting
for  your dear life, you notice a perfectly dreadful bug-eyed monster,
oozing  its way toward Thorbast's helpless victim. The hideous monster
reaches  the woman/man and starts to remove her/his garments, one at a
time. The helpless victim shrieks in terror.

     Meanwhile,  you keep attacking Thorbast. Eventually, in the furor
of  the action, he drops his sword. Ever the gallant, you retrieve the
sword  and  give it back to your foe. Realizing you are truly the good
guy,  Thorbast knows now that he doesn't have a chance. So he saves us
all a lot of trouble and impales himself upon his own sword. Farewell,
Thorbast. Now it's the monster's turn.

     Interestingly  enough, the bug-eyed horror is getting down to the
interesting  part  when you attack. He squawks once and flees, leaving
his  victim  just  barely  clad  and  grateful as all get-out that you
happened  along. You release her/him and follow her/him into the cabin
of  the  small  spaceship.  From  the wall of the ship she/he plucks a
photo  and  gives  it to you. (It just happens to be a picture of Jean
Harlow/Douglas Fairbanks, the very thing you've been looking for.) You
are  told that, written on the back, is the address of daddy, who will
reward  you  handsomely  if  you  ever  visit Ganymede. With that, the
lady/man  exits  to  the  east,  closing  the  door  with  a flourish.
Naturally, you follow.

     Shocked to see you, the lady/man is nonetheless receptive to your
advances. What follows is another one of those boring orgy type events
which  we'd just better skip for now. After all, we still have to deal
with  those  Leather Goddesses before they launch their invasion fleet
and  all  is  lost.  We  have  all the items Trent/Tiffany wanted. But
golly!  When last we saw Trent/Tiffany, he/she was splattered all over
the hold of that LGOP battleship!

     Exit  the  small passenger spaceship and go south twice. You will
be  back  inside  the  LGOP  battle  cruiser.  Walk  (do  not ride the
stallion)  east  down  the  long  east-west  corridor. Well, I'll be a
Thorbast's  Thorax!  Here's  Trent/Tiffany,  following  along  behind,
explaining how he/she got here! Keep walking until you reach the black
circle. Stand on the circle.

     You  are back in the Oasis. This time, though, don't use the exit
here.  Instead,  drop  your  own  Exit.  Stand  on  that. You are in a
boudoir,  lying on a divan. Next to you, actually, is a figure you can
barely make out in the shadows. You can't see who it is, but the heavy
scent  of leather is unmistakable. Go ahead. Touch the goddess. Oh, go
on!

     Yipes! You have violated the sanctity of the LEATHER GODDESSES OF
PHOBOS  private  boudoir!  For  this  transgression, you are summarily
ejected through a trap door, down a long chute into the Plaza.

     What  follows  is  a hilarious description of the attack upon you
and Trent/Tiffany by the entire armed minions of the LEATHER GODDESSES
OF PHOBOS. It's worth the price of the game. While the attack goes on,
all that remains is for you to hand to Trent/Tiffany each of the items
you  have  procured  at  such  great  peril,  one  by  one  as you are
instructed.  Suffice  to  say,  Trent/Tiffany  puts  them to good use,
constructing  the  best doggoned Super-Duper Anti-LEATHER GODDESSES OF
PHOBOS  Attack  Machine  ever crafted on this or any other planet by a
faithful companion.

     Suffice also to say that the machine works and the minions of the
LEATHER  GODDESSES  OF  PHOBOS  are routed. As for you, you're back in
Upper   Sandusky,   Ohio,   lying   dazed   in  the  roadside  near  a
sleepy-looking   gas  station.  From  within  emerge  three  uniformed
attendants,  cooing  prettily  (or  booming  manfully),  "Are  you all
right?"  The game has ended, and all you can do now is await patiently
for  the  sequel. Coming soon from those smahties at Infocom: Gas Pump
Girls Meet the Pulsating Inconvenience from Planet X.